We have been her almost 3 months now and I would be lying if I said this wasn't the most difficult time in my whole life! Have you ever counted on something for so long but when you finally get it you're not really sure anymore if that is what you want? I'm sort of on the fence about Japan. I never saw myself as spending my days locked up in the house in another country. This is of course by my own choice, because I can't find the desire or motivation to really embrace the culture. There are so many rules of engagement here it is impossible to fit in. You never really know if what you say or do might offend somebody and if the people who reach out to befriend really want to be your friend or if they are just being "socially correct" by reaching out to you. I've learned that people here offer you things they don't really want you to take them up on, and it drives me nuts. The hive mentality and the value set on conformity here can be mind-boggling. Oh sure, people will always smile at you here, but you never know if in the back of their mind they are completely offended by you or your very presence. Someone told me before we came here that Japanese see themselves as so unique the they even value themselves genetically? They are a species all their own and they love their homogeneity. I don't know how true this is but this kind of description of Japanese culture can scare the pants off any person who attempts to make a home here. Well, it does feel good to get these things off my chest even if it is alot of negative ranting. But I am slowing learning to breathe. Everyday is a struggle to simply accept this very un-american way of life. I shouldn't make Japanese people sound horrible, because they are very hard-working, caring people. I've met some women who have reached out to me and though I struggle to trust that their friendliness is sincere, I have to take a breath and just jump in.
It is hard not to miss America. The American way of life is a hard thing to let go of. I never realized how good I had it. I feel now that I was so selfish. How much I took for granted simply going to the grocery store and having the ability to buy the foods I love, to be able to drive anywhere and communicate with anybody. Living in such a beautiful city and having so many things to do. And now I live in the sticks in rural Japan, don't have a car(there is nowhere to go anyway), limited in my food selection to things I have to struggle to keep down, and can't communicate with anybody except the few who may speak a little broken English. How do you have a real conversation with someone who can hardly speak your language and whose language you can hardly speak? I also miss my family. It is hard to look at pictures on facebook of your family out making memories and having a great time and everyone is there, except you. People even comment on the pictures things like "What a great looking family you have". And you so desperately want to shout to these un-knowing people, "It's not the whole family! Some of us are missing!". And my kids, what about my kids? They may grow up either not knowing their family outside of mom and dad or depending on their personality, they could be the outsiders at family reunions. The kids who are related by blood only but don't really feel like family because they never got the chance to make memories with rest of the family. The thought of this makes me sad. When everything around you feels so confusing, it is hard not to dream up all the negative outcomes of our choice to uproot our lives and come here. I was crying out to God today asking him "Why?". "Are we just being stupid Lord? Was it really your plan for us to come here or were we just chasing something that was never right for us in the first place?". I felt like he told me "Candace, even if you don't trust anybody else, just trust me." Trust Him, Oh God why does that seem so hard? It is a hard thing to accept that you don't really know what you want until you've found it. I'm still searching and perhaps this is why God is asking me to trust Him. Perhaps he will lead me to a place of finally knowing what I want and having the motivation to go after it. Oh God I hope so.
In the meantime, life will continue on. Aaron will go to work everyday and I will spend my day with the Baby. Watching him grow, playing with him, experiencing the joys and pains of a second pregnancy, waiting for summer to come into bloom. Hopefully along the way it will become easier to accept Japan and this very different way of life. Hopefully I will finally begin to make friends with people I don't feel so pressured by to meet the social norms. Hopefully Aaron and I will find our stride here. I believe these things are possible. And now I patiently wait for the new and unpredictable to happen.
