Take Me By the Hand and Lead Me

I realized something this afternoon that has caused great reflection in me today. I sit in front of the computer on this very lazy day wishing somebody, anybody would call me. I do alright most days here in the house by myself with Gabe. He has been teething lately, so his behavior has been extra difficult which makes for some very trying days dealing with my near 9 month old son. Some days though, like today, are especially difficult and lonely while Aaron is at work. Skype sits open on my desktop, still and quiet. No one answers their phone. I think "If only there weren't such an extreme time difference, it would be easier to reach people." But the truth is, the time doesn't really make a difference. Because it's hard to come to the realization that the people you think about in the loneliest of times are not thinking about you nearly as much. Not to be critical, it's just that the old saying "Out of sight, out of mind" really does hold true most of the time. And not to say that our little family or each of us individually aren't loved and missed, because I know that's false. But people are just different. I'm still learning that even if you aren't near the top of someone's priority list, that doesn't mean they don't love you. They express love to you in a way that maybe you just don't know how to translate. I was sitting here feeling so very sorry for myself not understanding why the people I love the most are the people who seem to ignore the phone when they see I'm calling, or see an email from me and choose to ignore it because "Oh...I'll reply later. I don't need to talk to this person right now." But do they understand that even if they don't need me, I am desperately needing them? I miss them, I love them, I only need to hear their voice to feel the loneliness go away for a moment. These are the thoughts that go through my mind when the hurt rears its ugly head. But this time I felt this way it was different, because I remembered that there was someone who felt the same way about me. Someone who I ignored when they wanted to talk. Someone who's messages I pushed aside only to assume I would remember to later reply at a time that fit my desire. That person is God. If we were made in God's image, that means everything we have felt that's pure and genuine, God must feel too. My loneliness crept away when I thought on this, and the void became filled with sorrow for my selfishness. God knows our hurt. If we've felt it, he understands it. And if we caused it, he feels it. I imagine all the things I have done to hurt others and how much more have I been a cause for grief in my relationship with my heavenly father. Too often do we see God as not much more than just a stone cold mono-theistic being who is all-knowing, all-seeing, but never-feeling.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:

I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.'

"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me."
Matthew 25:34-40


I don't say these things to preach. But rather to share something churning in my heart as I again attempt to forsake the coveted position of the lonely victim. The hardest endeavor is to let go. Halfway around the world, I am slowly letting go of the other side. Still desiring for and missing for, and sometimes yearning for, but not grieving for. If no one calls me today, I'm going to be alright.